Velociraptor Awareness

Throughout history, contingency plans have been drawn up for the Blitzkrieg, nuclear fallout and the zombie apocalypse. Many people have fire exit maps taped to their walls and emergency numbers in their dayplanners. While these precautions are prudent and have kept many people safe, they may create a false sense of security, especially among people most likely to experience attacks by velociraptors.

Velociraptor attacks are third leading cause of death among males ages 27-29, but can strike anybody at any time. Many people are unaware of the the dangers posed by these dangerous creatures. Awareness of the severity and frequency of these attacks and the steps that can be taken to prevent them will go a long way to saving lives.

Velociraptors are dinosaurs. They stand about crotch high (a fact they will use to their advantage) and may be covered with feathers. They hunt in packs, often forming an equilateral triangle around their prey. Velociraptors are extremely intelligent and can run at speeds of up to 25 meters per second. They do not know fear.

How to Increase Your Likelihood of Surviving a Velociraptor Attack

» Learn to recognize the signs of a velociraptor attack. How can you tell? Here’s an easy test: Is there a velociraptor in the immediate area? If yes, you may be under attack. If no, stay wary–a velociraptor may still be nearby.

» Do your research. Many popular movies, books and blogs have perpetrated myths about velociraptors and their attacks.  For example, some velociraptor attack experts underestimate the importance of tire irons–which could be a fatal mistake. Arm yourself with knowledge that could save your life.
For more information, click here and here.

» Plan your escape routes. While this is important for fire safety, escape routes are also necessary in velociraptor attacks. Preplanning is necessary, as calculations waste valuable time in the midst of an attack. At minimum, plan escapes to and from your home, car and work, as well as strategies that can be implemented in enclosed spaces, open spaces or in a crowded area.
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» Check your home for velociraptor entry points. Solid-core doors and shuttered windows with no outside opening mechanism should be adequately secure. Picture windows, french doors and sliding glass doors can easily be broken and are therefore a potential breach risk. Windows or doors on the second floor of a building are most likely safe. If possible, invest in velociraptor-safe locks throughout your home.
For more information, click here.

» Keep an arsenal at hand. Proper ammunition can earn you valuable time in case of an attack. Assault rifles, for instance, can be handy in the event of either a zombies apocalypse or a velociraptor attack. Velociraptors have been show to be averse to a compound in Concord grape juice. Keep your fridge stocked and your squirt gun in good working order at all times.
For more information, click here.

» Be wary of strangers. Velociraptors often disguise themselves with mustaches, trench coats and Darth Vader voice changers. When meeting new people, make sure to hold a complete, intelligible conversation before befriending them. Additionally, when moving into a new home, make sure the neighbors aren’t velociraptors.
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» Prepare a velociraptor attack survival kit. This should include at minimum an assault rifle, Concord grape juice, a squirt gun, a flashlight, duct tape, chocolate, your prepared escape routes, and clean underwear.
For more suggestions, click here.

Velociraptor attacks can be lethal, and must be taken seriously. Never underestimate the importance of preparation in the event of a velociraptor attack.  Proper planning will keep you and your loved ones safe. Inform yourself about velociraptor attacks today!

More information about velociraptor attacks is available through the American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention.


5 thoughts on “Velociraptor Awareness

  1. Pingback: Velociraptor Awareness | Flour Power

  2. Great article! Sweet website! I lol-ed.
    I think my home is safe against velociraptor attack, but I’m afraid Utahraptor will convert me to mormonism. Any advice?

    • The Utahrapator is most persuasive when you don’t realize its identity. Learn the signs of recognizing a Utahraptor (starched white shirts, ugly ties, bicycles, groups of two) and your chances of conversion diminish rapidly.

  3. Pingback: Beware the Velociraptor « for people who wear clothes.

  4. Pingback: Squirt Them Velociraptors « for people who wear clothes.

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