Squirt Them Velociraptors

My friends, if there is anything that can lure me away from my graduate work, it is my dedication to keeping you all safe from the dreadful scourge that has infiltrated our intrepid cities and impersonated our friends. I cannot neglect my annual Velociraptor Awareness Day post. In the years past, I have covered basic Velociraptor safety tips and fashion for non-victims. It would be wise of you to refresh your memories, for such important information should not be overlooked or left to fester in some long-forgotten back room of the mind.

One of my personal favorite deterrents to the scoundrel Velociraptor is Concord grape juice. Science is not sufficiently advanced to tell us exactly why these creatures seem so averse, but nonetheless grape juice, especially when squirted into the eye of an oncoming attacker, is a necessary addition to any well-stocked arsenal. One of the best methods of administering the grape juice compound is the squirt gun, or super soaker.

It occurred to me recently, however, that many water-shooting devices are quite ugly, especially for the style-conscious reader of a blog such as this. To assuage those who deplore the loss of their stylishness for the sake of Constant Vigilance, I have compiled a list of

The Bestest, Most Stylishist Grape Juice Squirting Devices

Best for Stealth: The Water Weenie Super Squirt
Shrivels up after use to hide in a purse or messenger bag.


Best for Accuracy: Stream Machine
You control every aspect of this minimalist assault weapon.

Best to Raise Awareness: Space Squirt Guns
Distribute these to your friends as you warn them of Velociraptor attacks.


Classic: Super Soaker
Never goes out of style.

Keep your favorite juice-blaster stocked with grape juice at all times, and it will not betray you even in the advent of great peril. Hide a few around your home or place of business, and keep a mental map of potential reloading stations should the need arise. Even one person armed against a velociraptor can change the course of an ambush; always be prepared.

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2 thoughts on “Squirt Them Velociraptors

  1. Should a velociraptor catch you with your figurative (or literal) pants down, I suggest to your readers to consider having at least one set of their saliva glands modified to produce grape juice. Not only will it save you when you find yourself in dire straits, it’s a hit at parties. Members of your prefered sex will favor you over your peers, because not only can you leverage your spit in battle, but making out with you is quite tasty. The side effects are minor, especially when compared to the consequences of a velociraptor attack, so I urge your readers to have the prodcedure performed as soon as they can book an appointment.

  2. As a raptor, I have to say one of the biggest reasons we enjoy terrorizing you so is those opposable thumbs with which you so easily weald those squirtguns.

    I’m kidding! You’re just so much fun to outsmart!

    Yeah, it’s true that we don’t much care for grape juice, but unless you hit a raptor in the face or absolutely drench us, the juice just rolls off our feathers. And really, it’s your own fault for leaving out that cache of plexiglass goalie masks.

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