Squirt Them Velociraptors

My friends, if there is anything that can lure me away from my graduate work, it is my dedication to keeping you all safe from the dreadful scourge that has infiltrated our intrepid cities and impersonated our friends. I cannot neglect my annual Velociraptor Awareness Day post. In the years past, I have covered basic Velociraptor safety tips and fashion for non-victims. It would be wise of you to refresh your memories, for such important information should not be overlooked or left to fester in some long-forgotten back room of the mind.

One of my personal favorite deterrents to the scoundrel Velociraptor is Concord grape juice. Science is not sufficiently advanced to tell us exactly why these creatures seem so averse, but nonetheless grape juice, especially when squirted into the eye of an oncoming attacker, is a necessary addition to any well-stocked arsenal. One of the best methods of administering the grape juice compound is the squirt gun, or super soaker.

It occurred to me recently, however, that many water-shooting devices are quite ugly, especially for the style-conscious reader of a blog such as this. To assuage those who deplore the loss of their stylishness for the sake of Constant Vigilance, I have compiled a list of

The Bestest, Most Stylishist Grape Juice Squirting Devices

Best for Stealth: The Water Weenie Super Squirt
Shrivels up after use to hide in a purse or messenger bag.

Best for Accuracy: Stream Machine
You control every aspect of this minimalist assault weapon.

Best to Raise Awareness: Space Squirt Guns
Distribute these to your friends as you warn them of Velociraptor attacks.

Classic: Super Soaker
Never goes out of style.

Keep your favorite juice-blaster stocked with grape juice at all times, and it will not betray you even in the advent of great peril. Hide a few around your home or place of business, and keep a mental map of potential reloading stations should the need arise. Even one person armed against a velociraptor can change the course of an ambush; always be prepared.


Beware the Velociraptor

My friends, I have failed you. A year has gone by, bringing with it another Velociraptor Awareness Day, and I had no post prepared. I will be optimistic, and assume that most of you learned enough last year to survive a few extra days. To be truly assured of one’s survival in the battle against these ferocious creatures, new knowledge is always necessary. Since I already covered the basics of survival, this year I will turn to a more specific topic, and one that’s more relevant to this blog: style.

The Question of Fashion in the Face of a Velociraptor Attack

The biggest problem with deciding the optimal attire in case of an encounter with the velociraptor is this: one must choose between speed and protection. Velociraptors are quick–definitely quicker than you–but there is a remote possibility that you might be able to outrun them (or at least, you might have a longer life trying to outrun them than trying to fight them off). If this is the case, you’ll want to dress with speed and agility in mind; spandex, flats, and small bags are all good choices. If you know that your running abilities are lacking and have no compunction tearing out the throats of potentially-cute predators, your best option is to armor yourself accordingly. Start with the basics—Kevlar—and work outwards. But don’t fret! All this talk about spandex (ugh!) and Kevlar (double ugh!) does not mean we need to cast off our style aspirations. There are many ways to dress safe, smart and stylish.

Speed and Agility

Many runners wear athletic shoes on the street and change into heels or other fashionable footwear in the office or at home: this is not a wise choice. The time it takes to change shoes is valuable escape time—and bending over to change footwear puts one’s head at the level of the velociraptor. To be truly alert, one must wear running shoes (or other acceptable shoe) at all times. No one has been documented as successfully outrunning a velociraptor in high heels.

This girl is ready to book it.

Aerodynamics are key when dressing for speed. That means bulky, large garments or hats should be discarded in favor of skin-tight spandex. Fortunately, leggings-as-pants are a good option that is also in style—for maximum aerodynamics, choose wet-look leggings or those made of PVC. Leather leggings may also be a good choice, but they may constrict the legs’ flexibility, and also clash with running shoes. Avoid long, flowing garments (such as dresses or long coats) which may be snagged by a velociraptor or caught on a passing tree branch. Hair should be worn in a ponytail, never ratted, curled, or teased. For maximum speed, consider a bathing cap or helmet.

Of utmost importance, though, is a lack of weight. Do not make a habit of schlepping around large bags, especially if those bags are filled with raw meat, eggs, or anything else that might attract a velociraptor. Every pound added to an outfit is a pound that could cost a life. Essentials (keys, cell phone, assault rifle, concord grape juice) should be kept in a small bag, preferably a Prada backpack, that can be slung on the back while running.

Velociraptors often attack when their victim is at great disadvantage—in inclement weather, for example. In this case, crampons or other traction aids would be a smart addition to any anti-velociraptor arsenal, especially in cooler climates.

Armor and Strength

While Kevlar is the most obvious choice when one contemplates a velociraptor attack, it does have its drawbacks. For instance, Kevlar is mainly used for protection of vital organs—heart, lungs, kidneys—which are not the parts that a velociraptor will first attack. Since these predators stand crotch high, the most vital parts to be protected are the crotch and legs.

Because of this, Kevlar is not always the best choice (although there are unconfirmed reports of velociraptors feasting on kidneys). To better protect the nether regions, full-body armor is a better defense. Plate armor is often effective, as is chain mail. Unfortunately, the downside of these is that they are often quite heavy, and restrict the wearer in everyday activities.

There are, however, more livable alternatives. Combat boots are coming back in style, and provide more protection than regular footwear. Thigh-high boots, too, provide more support in this situation. Boots (or other legwear) with studs or metal plating—also in fashion at the moment—can also be beneficial. Other forms of protective legwear—chaps, leather pants, shin guards—may also be useful.

Queen Michelle's studded bodysuit and thigh-high boots are good protection against velociraptors.

For one who is betting on fighting off a velociraptor, a bigger bag is better—preferably a bag that could be used as a weapon, with as many studs and spikes as possible. It should fit any necessary anti-velociraptor weapons, including the aforementioned assault rifle and concord grape juice. A bowie knife or katana might also be effective at close range. Care should be taken with accessories also—they must do double duty as weapons. Brass knuckles are always a good choice.

Velociraptor Attraction

However much fun fashion can contain, there is a point when it becomes dangerous. This point is, of course, when fashion attracts the attention of velociraptors. The designers of these fashions could be classified as a menace to society, and should be ashamed of the danger they pose to their fans and copycats.

Avoid wearing clothing that looks like prey. This means that feathers, fur, and reptile and animal patterns are all more susceptible to velociraptor attack. Fabrics like velvet and chenille that are man-mande can also look like the fur of small rodents or deer, and are therefore also potential hazards. Bird-claw necklaces, sherling jackets, feather headdresses and the like are potentially dangerous garments.

Unlike magpies, velociraptors aren’t compelled to collect all things shiny, but reflected light will catch the eye of any potential predator—including the velociraptor. Glittery, polished, or mirrored jewelry is often not the best choice when posed with velociraptor-related dressing. Neither are reflective sunglasses, rhinestones, or sequined clothing. The aforementioned studs can, with this information, be a potential hazard. Because of this, choose studs with a dull finish, or those with a patina.

Velociraptors have a keen sense of smell, so choice of perfume should be considered deeply. Avoid any perfumes that smell like animals, rotting meat, or any other bodily fluids—especially avoid perfumes with a musk base. Sometimes perfume can act as a camouflage against attack: florals do this admirably well, but only in a proper outdoor setting. Perfume with a concord grape component might also act as a mild deterrent to a velociraptor attack.

With proper care and consideration, it is completely possible to be prepared for a velociraptor attack in a stylish manner. Not only can style and safety coexist, they can lean on each other for mutual support and improvement. As improvements in velociraptor knowledge and anti-velociraptor technology emerge, leading designers can package and distribute these ideas in usable, stylish ways to fashionistas and not-so-fashionistas alike, thereby saving lives, raising awareness, and keeping up a general level of style.

In memoriam of those who have lost their lives in velociraptor attacks, please take the time to learn how long you would survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor.  To learn more about velociraptor attacks, please visit the American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention.

Velociraptor Awareness

Throughout history, contingency plans have been drawn up for the Blitzkrieg, nuclear fallout and the zombie apocalypse. Many people have fire exit maps taped to their walls and emergency numbers in their dayplanners. While these precautions are prudent and have kept many people safe, they may create a false sense of security, especially among people most likely to experience attacks by velociraptors.

Velociraptor attacks are third leading cause of death among males ages 27-29, but can strike anybody at any time. Many people are unaware of the the dangers posed by these dangerous creatures. Awareness of the severity and frequency of these attacks and the steps that can be taken to prevent them will go a long way to saving lives.

Velociraptors are dinosaurs. They stand about crotch high (a fact they will use to their advantage) and may be covered with feathers. They hunt in packs, often forming an equilateral triangle around their prey. Velociraptors are extremely intelligent and can run at speeds of up to 25 meters per second. They do not know fear.

How to Increase Your Likelihood of Surviving a Velociraptor Attack

» Learn to recognize the signs of a velociraptor attack. How can you tell? Here’s an easy test: Is there a velociraptor in the immediate area? If yes, you may be under attack. If no, stay wary–a velociraptor may still be nearby.

» Do your research. Many popular movies, books and blogs have perpetrated myths about velociraptors and their attacks.  For example, some velociraptor attack experts underestimate the importance of tire irons–which could be a fatal mistake. Arm yourself with knowledge that could save your life.
For more information, click here and here.

» Plan your escape routes. While this is important for fire safety, escape routes are also necessary in velociraptor attacks. Preplanning is necessary, as calculations waste valuable time in the midst of an attack. At minimum, plan escapes to and from your home, car and work, as well as strategies that can be implemented in enclosed spaces, open spaces or in a crowded area.
For more information, click here.

» Check your home for velociraptor entry points. Solid-core doors and shuttered windows with no outside opening mechanism should be adequately secure. Picture windows, french doors and sliding glass doors can easily be broken and are therefore a potential breach risk. Windows or doors on the second floor of a building are most likely safe. If possible, invest in velociraptor-safe locks throughout your home.
For more information, click here.

» Keep an arsenal at hand. Proper ammunition can earn you valuable time in case of an attack. Assault rifles, for instance, can be handy in the event of either a zombies apocalypse or a velociraptor attack. Velociraptors have been show to be averse to a compound in Concord grape juice. Keep your fridge stocked and your squirt gun in good working order at all times.
For more information, click here.

» Be wary of strangers. Velociraptors often disguise themselves with mustaches, trench coats and Darth Vader voice changers. When meeting new people, make sure to hold a complete, intelligible conversation before befriending them. Additionally, when moving into a new home, make sure the neighbors aren’t velociraptors.
For more information, click here.

» Prepare a velociraptor attack survival kit. This should include at minimum an assault rifle, Concord grape juice, a squirt gun, a flashlight, duct tape, chocolate, your prepared escape routes, and clean underwear.
For more suggestions, click here.

Velociraptor attacks can be lethal, and must be taken seriously. Never underestimate the importance of preparation in the event of a velociraptor attack.  Proper planning will keep you and your loved ones safe. Inform yourself about velociraptor attacks today!

More information about velociraptor attacks is available through the American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention.